News Desk
Male’, — In a courtroom drama that could only unfold in the sun-soaked Maldives, a 51-year-old man has been slapped with a 54-year prison sentence for what prosecutors called “abusing his position of trust in the creepiest way possible.” The unnamed man, convicted of forcibly assaulting a minor on multiple occasions, will spend the next half-century contemplating his life choices behind bars. “He’s basically got a timeshare in jail now,” quipped a court watcher near Criminal Court.
The sentencing, handed down after his arrest on September 3, 2022, marks the latest in a string of eyebrow-raising cases that have locals wondering if the Maldives’ judicial system is competing for the world record in “longest time-out.” The man, already cooling his heels in custody for three years, now faces an additional 51 years, ensuring he’ll be older than the coral reefs by the time he’s free.
But wait, there’s more for related news! In a plot twist straight out of a low-budget soap opera, another man was remanded for 30 days after allegedly assaulting his two daughters and a relative. This was reported last September. The 42-year-old, whose name is withheld to avoid spoiling the next episode, was promptly suspended from his cushy government job. “We’re not sure what’s worse—his actions or the fact he thought he could keep that job,” said a police officer, shaking his head. The court, apparently unimpressed by his multitasking, ordered him to sit in custody and think about what he’s done.
Meanwhile, in a case that sounds like it was scripted by a conspiracy theorist, a Nasrullah Faiz was sentenced to 25 years for a laundry list of charges, including “sexual assault in a position of trust” and “possession of a oriyaan card,” local term for pornography, which we’re told is not a collectible Pokémon item. The trial, conducted in secrecy to protect the child involved, left locals speculating wildly. “I bet it’s a super rare card,” whispered a street vendor, near local market, opposite criminal court.
In a bizarre turn, a man convicted in October 2024 of assaulting a child and sentenced to 17 years was dramatically freed by the High Court. The court, in a 2-1 ruling, decided the child’s testimony—given six years after the incident—was about as reliable as a weather forecast during monsoon season. “We’re not saying it didn’t happen,” said Justice Mohammed Niyaaz, stroking his beard. “We’re just saying it’s hard to trust a story retold more times than a tourist’s Maldivian holiday.” Dissenting Justice Hassan Shafeeu, however, argued the child’s reluctance to share the story initially only made it more credible, a stance that had courtroom observers scratching their heads.
And in a case from 2020, a teacher accused of assaulting a child dodged conviction, while a second man wasn’t so lucky—until the High Court swooped in like a plot-twist superhero and quashed his 17-year sentence. The court’s reasoning? The medico-legal reports were as useful as a paper towel in a tsunami, and the witnesses seemed more interested in playing hero than providing facts. “It’s like they’re all auditioning for a crime drama,” muttered a local fisherman.
Child sexual abuse remains one of the Maldives’ most harshly punished grave crimes, with sentences long enough to make even the most patient sea turtle impatient. As the nation grapples with these cases, one thing is clear: the courts are handing out jail time like it’s free sunscreen at a beach resort.
Disclaimer: These are real stories presented in a satirical tone. No minor is harmed in the writing of this article.
